Tag Archives: Advertising

Apparently This Matters: Instagram’s favorite grandma

Posted on by

I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Radioactive Man

Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway. You don’t win friends with salad. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

  • Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
  • Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico?
  • Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Rosebud

Ahoy hoy? I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Cape Feare

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. I didn’t get rich by signing checks.

  1. I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.
  2. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”
  3. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.
The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show

I hope I didn’t brain my damage. Jesus must be spinning in his grave! Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you’re experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box…

Duffless

I prefer a vehicle that doesn’t hurt Mother Earth. It’s a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. I was saying “Boo-urns.” Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Silicon Valley is fed up with slow Internet speeds

Posted on by

Burn her anyway! Well, we did do the nose. And this isn’t my nose. This is a false one.

Am I right?

I am your king. No, no, no! Yes, yes. A bit. But she’s got a wart. …Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate? How do you know she is a witch?

  • Be quiet!
  • Bring her forward!
  • Oh, ow!
  • Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I’m being repressed!

We want a shrubbery!!

But you are dressed as one… And this isn’t my nose. This is a false one. It’s only a model. Now, look here, my good man. I dunno. Must be a king. A newt?

First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin

Why? Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! How do you know she is a witch? He hasn’t got shit all over him. Shut up! Will you shut up?! Well, how’d you become king, then?

  1. I dunno. Must be a king.
  2. Bring her forward!
Help, help, I’m being repressed!

Shut up! Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! Bring her forward! You can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

What… is your quest?

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave before I am forced to taunt you a second time! What do you mean? Burn her! Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut’s tropical! What a strange person. No, no, no! Yes, yes. A bit. But she’s got a wart.

The Day The Earth Stood Stupid

Posted on by

Fry! Stay back! He’s too powerful! I’ve been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope? I love you, buddy!

The Deep South

Good man. Nixon’s pro-war and pro-family. Say it in Russian! You lived before you met me?! Ooh, name it after me! Oh, I think we should just stay friends. Why would a robot need to drink?

  • Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that! There’s only one reasonable course of action now: kill Flexo!
  • You, a bobsleder!? That I’d like to see!
  • Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be.

I Second That Emotion

It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you? It must be wonderful. You’re going to do his laundry? In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms. I decline the title of Iron Cook and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up. Uhh… also, comes with double prize money. I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan!

Put Your Head on my Shoulder

You know, I was God once. Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.

  1. THE BIG BRAIN AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST! NOW I AM LEAVING EARTH, FOR NO RAISEN!
  2. Calculon is gonna kill us and it’s all everybody else’s fault!
  3. Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
  4. I love you, buddy!
Anthology of Interest I

Bender, hurry! This fuel’s expensive! Also, we’re dying! Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun! Stop it, stop it. It’s fine. I will ‘destroy’ you!

Anthology of Interest I

Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. Yes, I saw. You were doing well, until everyone died. I never loved you. Take me to your leader! Hey, whatcha watching?

Obama security agent ‘found drunk’

Posted on by

There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I’m calling you is a television actor. Army had half a day. That’s why you always leave a note!

Exit Strategy

There’s so many poorly chosen words in that sentence. First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. Say goodbye to these, because it’s the last time!

  • Marry me.
  • Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right.
  • I care deeply for nature.

Amigos

No! I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. I’ve opened a door here that I regret. I care deeply for nature.

Pier Pressure

Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right. I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it. Not tricks, Michael, illusions. Across from where? Well, what do you expect, mother? No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer’s questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.

  1. That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’
  2. Well, what do you expect, mother?
  3. Marry me.
  4. It’s called ‘taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life.
  5. Steve Holt!
Ready, Aim, Marry Me

What’s Spanish for “I know you speak English?” That’s what it said on ‘Ask Jeeves.’ Get me a vodka rocks. And a piece of toast. No… but I’d like to be asked! Really? Did nothing cancel? But I bought a yearbook ad from you, doesn’t that mean anything anymore?

Afternoon delight

We just call it a sausage. I’ve opened a door here that I regret. Marry me. No… but I’d like to be asked!